writing for my soul

thank you all so much for your kind, sweet words you left on my last post.  i'm really having a difficult time being so far away from my family.  the funeral isn't until friday and with our travels, i won't get to my mom's house until thursday.  

funerals, viewings, and being with family are so theraputic (well, usually they are) and i just want to start the healing process.  it seems like it's on hold until i can get to my mom's house and be with her and my brother.  don't get me wrong, ike has been very supportive, but it will be nice for all of us to be together.

 

i wanted to share my grandmother's obituary with you.  i hope you don't find that too odd.  (i omitted cities, etc.)  a lot of what i'm sharing is for my benefit.  it feels good just to write about it.  thanks for listening.  this will be long and rambling.

there is a lot of life missing in these words.  but the words say a lot about her too.  she was very traditional.  my dad is named after her brother that died and shares his middle name with my grandfather.  my uncle is named after her father-in-law.

she graduated high school and then went on to college.  that was very unusual back then.  most women in her small community got married young (as in 13 or 14), had babies and stayed home.  after marrying my grandfather in her early 30's and having two children she went back to school to get her master's degree. and the university where she went was an hour and a half away too.  working, married, two kids, and getting a master's degree.  seriously impressive!

growing up i used to love hearing her stories about teaching in a one room school house.  i couldn't imagine everyone being in the same room together.  and that the schools were so small. 

being that my grandmother had so many sisters, she has lots of nieces and nephews.  but not all of her sisters had children.  one sister never married.  one sister married late in life because she took care of the younger sisters.  one sister struggled with infertility and never had children.

and that brings me to my cousins.  i'm kind of strange.  when i see something like "they had four grandchildren and eight great-grandchildren" i start doing the math.  my brain automatically thinks that each grandchild has two children.

that scenario doesn't hold true.  among my brother and two cousins i am the only one who doesn't have children.  a while ago my SIL was pregnant and my two cousins were expecting children.  one great grandchild was born in february, one in march, and one in may.  i have always felt there should have been one born in april.  mine.  ours.  but yet it never was.

the thought of our family all sitting together on friday at the funeral and everyone having their children there overwhelms me.  but we will have no children of our own there.

that brings me to tears.  the fact that my grandmother who i love so dearly will never meet my child.  it overwhelms me with emotion.  these are feelings i've pushed back for many years.  knowing the possibility that she wouldn't be here when i have children.  and now it has come to pass.  if and when we are blessed with a child, my grandmother won't know them.  but they will know her.  they will know her kind heart.  her gentile spirit.  the compassion she had for so many.

but for now, my heart aches.  my soul grieves.  but my grandmother's legacy lives on in my heart.